euniz’s blog

i need a time out

Yesterday

I hate the way the past holds so many good things that we can never get back.

on a day in june - someone went to a BLANK that i didnt know about. hmm i assume it was a dropby. who am i right? since i dont tell that person everything. everyone needs their own space. argghhh, we just confronted each other yesterdayy, why do i have to know about it today??!! he just went to ten23 with a bunch of girls at night, nothing big. RIGHT? i have to trust him right? relationship is all about being honest and trust. this requires me to trust him, but how can i trust him when he doesnt tell me stuff? He got a reason for that, saying that its cause he was scared to tell me and i would get upset. WHY doesnt he think about how would i FEEL when i find out? theres this phrase or saying: if you want someone to not know about it, DONT DO IT. omg. this is karma isnt it, what goes around comes around. Anyways, forget it.. i did my part, if X isnt doing his, then i really cant do anything about it, can i?

Heres What happened yesterday:
- studied at starbucks, had a tall sized mocha? I have no idea what that was but it was pretty good.
- had some quality talk with X, it was about me doubting him and how he hates it when i just interrupts him wen hes talking. but its just hard when im excited about a topic and wants to just say it at the moment. he does that too, you know
-we talked about our different values and such, of course it got heated abit because we keep misundertanding each other and i think we end up compromising? haha
- we then went to AE, i got 2 pairs of shorts, and a shirt. I dont know whens the last time that I was so happy. I forgot the feeling of dating, having a relationship and how happy i was suppose to be. it was FUN
- we then went to pizza hut and had 1 medium chicken Florentino pizza with stuffed cheese crust and a small meat surpreme pizza. and oh, a side caesar salad. =P
- that was it, that was one of the best dates we ever had.

p.s.: i got the book that i really really want =] YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!! thanks X.

bunch of crazy thoughts going through my head now. heres the thing, he does things that shows he cares about me but then he hides things from me because he doesnt want me to be upset but he also knows that if i found out, i would be even more upset. =[ im going crazy.

this is me.

4 days ago

i am in a condition that I no longer know who i am, what i want in life (maybe i do: getting into law and be able to support myself financially), where i am heading to, who i WANT TO BE and so on. But the thing is, i am locked up. Its such a coincidence and such a shock when i was just browsing on the internet and came across a blog that was talking about being locked up in humanity. I dont feel so alone anymore.

I'm trying so hard to numb everything i'm starting to lose who i am. i feel paralyzed without my best friend. but she's been gone for a while now...and not being able to have a friend like her here, its just pathetic. I feel pathetic. Why do i have to be so dependent on others, why cant i just be strong and live life happily like everyone else who CAN? i'm aware of the hypocrisies, cognizant of the insensitivity and the coldness that i bring out...but...i can't stop it. i keep thinking that i'm a really forgiving person and that i'm able to drop many many things...but...maybe that's the problem. maybe i haven't dropped anything. maybe i'm just waiting for everyone to betray me again. i'm just so fkin bitter.

I live life in bitterness, knowing God is there for me made it better. But He cant sit there and let me cry on his shoulder, I feel so distant from God and I just dont have anybody there. i don't know why it is that i just can't seem to pick myself up and walk out of this hole. a lot of times, i don't bother telling people what i think anymore, because it doesn't seem to make a difference. i feel so sad...but...so...okay...so emotionless...i don't even know what's going on. And when i do have the courage to tell them, they dont agree and would ban my thoughts and feelings, saying that i am wrong, saying that i shouldnt think that way. Ppl need to open their eyes and see whats there beside their lil worlds. We all see what we want to see and what we like to see, we just dont learn from our mistakes.

sometimes i want to go into a swearing frenzy, take a bat, and hurt something. or kick something. or walk out of everyone's lives and disappear. just disappear. i used to think about that all the time. but i thought i've found something else in toronto. looks like i'm slipping back into my depression.

Man is born free, and everywhere he is in chains.

been thinking about this quote a lot lately...and i know when the guy said it, he was referring to the social contract and such, but i think it applies to the own restrictions we place on ourselves even more so. everything we do, we build these imaginary prisons, and lock ourselves up. we lock up our desires, our thoughts and dreams. we lock up our opinions, our emotions, our vulgarity, our ideas...for different reasons - some to please, some to avoid conflict, some to stay comfortable, to avoid change, to relate to others...many, many reasons...sometimes, it's laziness. i don't know what it is for me. but many times, i want to point at a certain someone's head and say don't you get it? don't you get that the things you do hurt? doesn't it matter to you?

but i don't. i put my finger away, back to more appropriate places, and keep playing my part.

當。。。

Jun 13, 2008

當你愛一個人深到去無發自拔既地步﹐
係唔願意既情放低下
你會一眨眼之間原諒和忘記。

那個時候。。就會產生了愛與恨

recent things that happened and things that will happen:
1) june 26th: 1.75 years anniversary --> went to the KEG for dinner, it was great. I had a seafood chicken set and he had a rib eye set. we also had mocha icecream cake afterwards --> exchanged gifts: a wallet for him and my favorite lipgloss from him.
2) disappearance period: july 1 to july 9th. lose some weight, study study study. just shut myself out of the outside world. no phone calls, no nothing. just me, myself and i. (nobody would care if i just disappear from their life right? since i dont make a difference)
3) try to be happy, i have to get my hormones checked again. i need to be normal cause i dont want to worry anyone, especially my parents.
4) just focus on study, exercising and watching movies.
5) i watched p.s. i love you for the second time on june 28? its not so good anymore. i cried a bit. just because i was in the mood to cry but this movie doesnt make so much sense to me anymore? if you love your husband so much and its still within the first year that he died, how can you just have sex with another guy you just met during that day? what is she thinking? weird.
6) get rid of being insecure. HA. i said that for like 100000x times. either trust the guy and be with him, or leave the guy since he cant gain my trust. try not to make both parties upset.
7) cutting back sweets, desserts. stop eating junk food cause its making me FAT. which means i will be more depressed than ever. but exercising helps right? the endorphins?

new favorite movie

Jun 8, 2008

august rush

lovelovelove

Jun 8, 2008

sorry...it was in a chain letter format, but way too sweet not to post it somewhere...

A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty,
he said...no. She asked him if he would want to
be with her forever....and he said no.

She then asked him if she were to leave would
he cry, and once again he replied with a no.

She had heard enough.

As she walked away, tears streaming
down her face, the boy grabbed her arm and
said....

You're not pretty, you're beautiful.
I dont want to be with you forever. I NEED to
be with you forever. And I wouldnt cry if you
walked away...I'd die...

now i want to be in love again...(AHHAHAHAHAHA)

eudora's magic potion #1

Jun 8, 2008

so if you found this magic potion, which you could give to anybody and it would have any effect you wanted it to have on that person, what would the potion do and who would you give it to?

hmmmm...................................
the first thing that came to my mind was that i wish i could find a potion that could change people. like REALLY change people...cuz i think if there's one thing that continues to frustrate me about human nature, is that people don't change. they just don't. situations change, and time changes, and they grow older, but inside, they never change. and the quality hardest to change of all, is recognizing that there is a need to change. period.

humans are weird, eh? sometimes you think that there's something that's wrong with someone, but you're the one who has the problems. in fact, as much as i think Freud was a messed up freak who was obsessed about sex, some of his theories do give insight into human nature. which is sad...because essentially, that's how we are...disgusting.

like...the defense mechanisms that he talks about...i always see displacement as a habitual mechanism that i occupy. i feel something about someone, and i act defensively and think that they are acting in a certain way about me. and right away, i have all these bad opinions of another person with all these ways of judging them and a whole lot of stereotypes.

and it sucks. because it's not like i don't know that's how i am. but if u asked me to change it, i wouldn't have a clue how to. sometimes i go out of my way to change my mind about someone that i've "prejudged". like, i would make myself do something extra nice for them, or just smile to them, so i don't fall into the self-fulfilling prophecy trap. but honestly, at the end of the day, those original feelings and judgements...they're still there...i know who and how i am.

so if i had this potion, i think i would force-feed it to myself. so i can change my selfish and judgmental ways, because i know how much it sucks to feel like ur being judged.

i WAS gonna say that i would give it to a few people i know, until i realized that i might solve all my problems with them if i changed myself. the truth is, as these people are, i love them very, very deeply. and true, they might drive me up the wall sometimes with their stubborn, unchanging, inconsiderate ways, but then, having anyone else would mean that i don't have them. and those are the ones that i can never imagine doing without.